We have often heard the phrase, when we stop looking for love, it finally appears.
Finding a mate can be a frustrating process that can leave us disappointed, angry and sad, wondering what the heck is wrong with us?!
I have found through my work as a psychotherapist, that this inquiry can also bring a lot of deep healing to ourselves if we are willing to look within and discover what is underneath the surface of our longing.
With my clients, I will often explore what it is they are looking for in a mate and what beliefs they keep hold about themselves that keep them locked and stuck in unworthiness. One of my teachers says, “a thought is only something that you keep thinking”. With a lot of us, these thoughts of unworthiness become perpetual habits and we find ourselves alone and questioning why it is we haven’t found someone.
In therapy, we start, or continue, the process of going within and exploring our beliefs about ourselves. In time, we free up some space inside to finally accept that perhaps we are worthy and loveable. We start to feel more confident, more brave, excited and hopeful. We start seeing the people that we attract into our lives and start questioning, maybe for the first time, if they are right for us, not the other way around. We take back our power and realize that we are worthy.
In thinking about who you want as a partner, it’s sometimes helpful to start thinking about the actual qualities that you want. Go beyond someone who is easy on the eyes. Let it expand to what’s important to you, whether it be a good father to your eventual children or a guy who loves to travel and is adventurous. Be as creative as you want but make sure you can on some level believe it’s possible. If you ask for a billionaire with a private jet, and you don’t believe it’s possible for you, then you might be waiting a lot longer than you want.
Louise L Hay writes in her book, LIFE! “Finding love. If you are looking for a mate, I suggest that you make a list of all the qualities you would like this person to have. Do go beyond “tall, dark, and handsome” or “cute, blonde, and pretty.” List ALL the qualities that you want. Then review this list and see how many of these qualities YOU possess. Are you willing to develop the ones you don’t have? Then, also ask yourself what it is within you that could be denying or delaying the attraction of this person to you. Are you willing to change those beliefs? Is there still a part of you that believes you are unlovable or unworthy of love?”
Getting creative at home:
1. Find a quiet place to sit – turn on some music if that is helpful
2. Grab a paper and some pens
3. Start to list the qualities that you want in a partner
4. Focus on the positive – so if you want him or her to be responsible, don’t write down a negative statement like, “He can’t be late or she can’t be a flake.” Change that too – responsible, on time, loyal, or timely.
5. If you have time and feel like it, you can also create a vision board of what you want. You do this by taking magazines pictures of what you want or words of what you like and pasting them to your piece of paper – however big or small.
6. As you do either one of these exercises, just notice how you feel. The most important part is feeling good. If you feel good, you know you are on the right track!